Reasons to Be, Reasons to Do

We all need them.

So, as you can probably tell, I've started a blog. Or rather, I've started to use the one I had.

And who am I? Well, I'm hoping this will help me figure that out - it's been on my bucket list.

What am I? That's easier.

I'm a mom, a woman, a feminist, a goth chick, an artist... although I often call myself a "former artist" since I'm not sure how long you can go without creating any art and still be an artist. I'm an art model - sometimes a naked one! I'm a person with a disability, someone who suffers from mental illness and chronic health issues. I'm someone who has been in an abusive relationship for the first time ever, and I'm still dealing with the emotional, physical and financial fallout. I'm a daughter, granddaughter, niece, sister and aunt. I'm a purple-haired person, who cares deeply about social issues. I am always trying to make myself better and better, because of my one little, happy, adorable Reason to Be. I'm snarky and self-depreciating. I'm a dichotomous, indecisive person who can't figure out who she really is or wants to be.

I am very tired.

I decided to start a blog, and if you have a bit too much patience and time on your hands, you'll find out why. Counterintuitively, the thing that made me sit down and just do it was

This article from Buzzfeed.

I'd thought about it, off and on, for years. Off and on, I'd decide it wasn't a good idea, or that it was a great idea but that I'd never do anything with it, and so I never did. While I was reading that article (which as of this writing I haven't yet finished reading) I needed to get up and make tea. While I made my tea I threw things around in my head a bit. Why did I want to start a blog? What would I hope to get out of it? The idea that moms - and I'm a mom - start blogs to try to make money WAS something that had weighed on me. What would the blog be about? People have told me that I should tell stories, but I'm not particularly good at writing. Strangely enough I felt like the time was right - I've just moved, it's Spring, and I feel like I need to do something new - and reading that article somehow bumped me up instead of discouraging me. I continued to talk to myself as I drank my tea and inhaled another episode of Attack on Titan (add Otaku to the list of what I am), and the conversation I was having with myself in my head continued:

What would I be hoping to accomplish by joining the ranks of the blogging? Definitely not making money, although if I ended up doing that you would not hear any complaint from me. I certainly wouldn't shy away from boosting the things I was already doing to try to make money, from time to time. Selling...something? No, but I certainly wouldn't hesitate to mention the things that I'm already trying to sell (mainly my services as a portrait artist). I'm honest. There's no shame in my game. Well, then what kind of a blog would it be? This question has foiled most of my previous attempts to convince myself to start a blog. I'm many things, but I'm not any kind of expert in any of them! Not enough to write a blog about any one thing, certainly! None! ...But I felt like that article gave me a little clarity. For now, let's say it's a blog about my life and what I think. Some people HAVE said they find me or my life interesting... but who cares about me? Enough to read what I have to say? I'm not going to ever try to turn myself into some kind of BRAND, I'm never even totally sure WHO I am and WHAT is *me* so that is out. Some people are good at that, I am not. I'm not even good at deciding what I want to call things. I don't have a clear identity, I'm a member of few if any minority demographics, nothing's unique about me beyond what's unique about everyone.

Well, let's take the overarching facts about me... I'm a divorced mother with disabilities and an artist and an art model. Is there enough there to go with? I'm certainly not some kind of cookie-cutter personality, like the author of that article felt that so many of these "Mommy-bloggers" were ...'momfluencers?' Please kill me if anyone ever thinks I'm trying to be called THAT... I'm not quite right in the head. I curse. I'm kind of a nudist. I draw pictures that range from sweet, clean, beautiful portraits of children to the NSFW. I'm not typical. I mean, that might be good enough for the idea of me writing a blog to not be totally pointless and redundant. I mean, I don't...well, there are a scant FEW things I'd ever feel qualified to post any advice or instruction about... I just don't want to feel ickily like someone who is trying to hard and trying to put herself out there for that sweet sweet advertising revenue, but also not like someone who is trying too hard NOT to be doing that...why am I thinking about doing this again? Oh...

Oh. That's right. To tell my story and share my thoughts and feelings in my own space, that isn't Facebook. I'm supposed to be journaling - a CBT therapist I follow here on the interbutts says it's very constructive and good for you. So, for a place to put the "journal entries" that AREN'T private. I used to use LiveJournal for this, somewhere besides FB, Twitter or Instagram to post the things I DO want to say to the whole, entire internet, for one reason or another. Somewhere to put all the things I think while my mind wanders...if I can remember them. A form of encouragement to remember them! If people find what I post interesting, GREAT, and if they don't, FINE, I can still keep writing, nothing stopping me. It's a journal! So here goes.

If you really read all that, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I hope to find out whether this is going to be a blog about being a mom, about mental illness, chronic pain, disability, social issues, about art, or just my weird life, or all of the above. And I needed to do something with tonight besides waste it watching ten episodes of Attack on Titan.

Sincerely,